That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
