my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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