how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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