i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It was confusing and full of hummus
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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