Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
MIDGETS
????
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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