Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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