CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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