Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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