R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
