I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
