I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
