My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
