Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
