I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
