I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
