She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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