My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Randomize
