im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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