I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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