please come you make the beer taste better
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
