the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
