ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize