I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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