my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
the liver wants what the liver wants
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
