sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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