Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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