remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
