god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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