I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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