I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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