barbara walters just said penis...
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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