She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
