Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
