you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
