I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
