Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Swine flu. Run for my life!
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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