it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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