I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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