remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
