it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
