Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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