it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
