and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
