Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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