Ambien. No doubt about it.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
