This house was built for laser tag.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
