So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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