it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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