Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize