i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize