mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
