Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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