Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
