On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
