you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
