I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
